----H

I logged into ye good ol' blog, and I am glad I got to read my post below. I was just about to write about a huge mistake that happened yesterday. Something so stupid, that shouldn't have happened. It was good to get a taste of my own medicine.

I can't change what happened, but it is haunting me in my head and dreams. Could barely sleep, just the flash of images of what happened, over and over, looping to the demise of my brain and heart. I felt ill. Anxious. Startled I don't want to start again. The cold rainy weather beat me. My emotions controlled me. I want my control back. I want my life, my emotions, I am sick of doing favors for people, when bad shit like this happens. I feel delirious and apathetic, scared and afraid.

Your life can change in a matter of a second.

Rushing winds and rains and stress pollute. I have been cleansing with tears. I lost control. I don't know how it happened, but I keep replaying it to find answers, and there are none.

How?Why? Now? really?

I just want to be a good person, and I feel like a failure. Even though this incident has nothing to do with my morality, but rather my ability to deal with stress and panic. Life gave me the test and I failed. I failed.

I will get over this in time.

But I will still be scared.

How do i know it won't happen again.....

how will i recover

why do i obsess

how do i structure my thoughts and emotions where I am in CONTROL and THEY are not controlling me.

I am too sensitive. I take things too seriously. I hyperbolize everything.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck

Fuck

not a good xmas, with some bad news. money lost. lives were still here, so not all is lost.

not all is lost.

there is an upside to this. i am still here.

i am resilient.

life is a test.

many tests.

full of problems, getting over them and proving you can still stand on your own two feet.

erase la memoria.

amor es no bastante por un buen vida.

sana.

limpia.

amable

I spend my whole day trying to make myself believe i have control.

I have none.

I need to accept it and move on. I have no control. None. Things will happen whether I like it or not. I just need to change my ability to react, which is currently underdeveloped, overreactive, and fucking ridiculous.

I am growing into myself. Finding out who I am when shit like this happens. i don't like it very much but don't know how to change.

Thought for the day

There are no mistakes, just things that happen or don't happen.

Start with, End With

For once I am writing and in a good mood! haha.....I had a shitty day yesterday, just one of those days where nothing goes right, and now I feeling refreshed and happy, reveling in the fact that I have no control of certain things. Life is ok. Comparatively, life is fucking amazing.

Thanksgiving is coming soon, and I am so thankful for my friends, my bf, my small apt, the food i can buy and my job. The food bank line is getting long as we speak and it makes you realize, if people will wait outside for 6 hours in the cold for food, there level of need is different than yours.

How often do we put our blinders on? We get caught up in the bourgeois, the petty, the soulless.....if you have food, health, friends and shelter, we have life, we have love. We can only work for more, but we are not entitled to more.

We need to share more love, not hate.
Love yourself above anyone else.
Do one good thing a day.
Get some perspective.

what will all of this mean in 20 years? 50? 100? the constant pariah of time gnawing on our ephemeral souls and hearts. the moment is now.

take it.

make it yours.

find love in your world.

Heal.

really now

I need to write more. I always seem to want to write, but never do, there is a gap in inspiration and doing. I feel like i only write when I need to get something out, which seems masterbatory at best. working on a film, essays, modeling although i think i might be done with that soon....so many issues. mind fucking garbage. there is nothing more than tea leaves on tongues of happiness i am devoid of all truth that you left here. some times it is all an act. and what do i do when no one is watching? who am i when no one is watching? there are always eyes peering over to tell me to suck it in, your beautiful, the overpowering gaze of males, both empowering and destructive leave me breathless and confused. i want to be wanted but i don't want this anymore. i am sick of comparing. i am THAT girl. i am smarter than that. but who likes brains when you got tits?

still waiting for photos from 5 photographers....some over 6 mo ago...le sigh. i want to create art, but what good is the experience if there is nothing to show for it. it was a mirage.

i am now 25. the big one, so many people told me. if 25 is the big one, please dear god save me. i am more pensive and contemplative than ever. when will my mind do what i want and not control me, find me a new place to nest and grow and just be free. my roads are paved with patterns of obssession.

and on a cold night, drinking cofffee with writers block on an essay that is due in two weeks, i come up with more bullshit to spew.

fin.

There will be something

a change a change a change going to come. find me, a way, to look at this loveliness and decompose its excess upon my mortal soul. let the pain sulk out of its weary chest and hold me. i cant go at this pace anymore. where is it taking me? i find myself with moments of confusion or insanity trying to keep up with myself, this so called life, fucking money chasers just to live, breathe, eat, feed me some greed from the capitalist pig. i just want kosher. no more. i don't want to model anymore, it is just getting me down. there is nothing left for me. i think it might be different, but its not. i compare too much. i drive my bf crazy. i drive myself crazy. who wants some crazy, come buy it off of me?

i want to get out of la. pay off my student loans. incur more? who knows. so many questions, but there are never answers. follow the wind, my lowly dreamer.

i just want to create,sing, love write and make love in the grass and drink wine and listen to jazz.

but there is more work to be done.

people are suffering.....

With teeth

I keep dreaming my teeth are falling out....what could this mean. Only in dreams.

quick draw

the last photos taken, the last money spent, there are no cures, only maladies in times like these, the mind is a trap, and a clever one at that, the destruction follows you around like a foul smell, just to let you know he is always there

climbing against walls of lemon eyes and sugar cane, the desert feeds my oblivious soul. there is nothing. fabricated non-truths, styled very well for verity's sake.

how is there more, but less, disintegrating, anger, finding, looking, always something, there is no letting go. cling out of fear, out of loneliness, out of curiosity.

i will find the way and the dream soon, just keep searching, don't let it get you down, all of this information, sinking into my brain, ignore the useless, we waste too much time, but im so busy, but i waste, im not productive enough, or pretty enough, enough enough ehough ive had enough! i can only be so so so so nice and i try, i do, walk please

towards me, my love, i want you need you feel you live never before under the stars of my skin and the universe of my heart

cool.

i think so.

it happened before.


sure.

you never liked it.

no, you didn't.

how could he

how could she

not possible

it could only happen to you

you are the prettiest

you are the best

if the world ends now, i want to be in your arms.

so, find me.