Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Resolutions I will surely break

As the end of the year is approaching, many of us will have too much time on our hands (see holiday) and think about family, friends, loved ones and things that we want to improve about ourselves in the upcoming year.


I am no different. I had the (mis)fortune of not going home this year, but instead enjoying my first ever New York blizzard. My boyfriend came to me, and my parents will visit two weeks into the new year.

2010 was a year of big change for me. When I think about the past several years, I haven't had so much change since 2007. However, 2007 was a very shitty year, with mostly terrible things, but 2010 has been a mixed bag.

I worked and left my first "real job".
I moved across the country with two suitcases.
My obsessive, passionate romance turned long distance.
I started my Master's program.
I worked on some projects in Mexico and with collaborators, and pushed myself to DO things.

Sometimes I miss a lot about my old life. I miss the comfort at my old job, the feeling of family. I miss my friends who would meet me for margaritas after work, my friends to make films with, my friends to take photos with. The feeling of longing and nostalgia has never been so strong.

But I know I am creating more memories here. And this new life I am creating has pushed me into a new place. I am stronger. I trust myself more in some ways and don't understand myself in others. This year has not been without its challenges. All the "newness" can disorient you.

Suffice it to say, this year was a year of incredible growth. Of new beginnings. Of new ends.
In an attempt to remain trite, but not overly cheesy, here are some resolutions I am sure to break for 2011, and some desires thrown in their for good measure just so I can remember what I really want.

1. Stop fucking worrying about money- I seriously have issues in this area. My student loan debt is hella scary for sure, but it shouldn't ruin my life. Money should never be attached to emotions, it should just be something you need to get by.

2. Remember always that love and health is all you really need in life. All the rest is extra.

3. (ready for SUPER trite?) Go to the gym- I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to get a "hot bod". I want to get in shape. I miss swimming like I did in High school (god, that was ages ago). I also think this will help with me overall general malaise and worry problems.

4. Cool my temper. Most people wouldn't think I have a temper. Often, I don't. Sadly, for the people I love the most, sometimes I can be a real jerk. In short, I want to calm the fuck down.

5. Acceptance- maybe it is my slight OCD, but sometimes I have a hard time accepting things that I don't like. Whether it is the way I look, a grade I got on a paper, or something else unexpected, sometimes I just don't deal well. I need to let go more and hang on less.

Why worry about things you cannot control or change?

Some of my goals for 2011:
1) graduate with MA from NYU and have thesis not suck
2) get a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself and that can assist me in paying my loans and rent.
3) Travel more- if financially possible (most likely contingent on #2)
4) Continue artistic expression- poetry, videos, photos, performance. I feel I have pushed myself this year and want to continue the momentum and not just graduate and be done with it. I want the creative energy to continue to flow even if I am in school or not.
5) Practicar mi español,portugués, y francais
6) Continue to push myself. Stop worrying about making mistakes. Mistakes are learning opportunities.
7) Give back in some way- financially, emotionally or just volunteering some place.

After writing this, sometimes I feel like we make resolutions because we want what we think is the perfect life. We want the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect body-- all of these things based on irrational desire. On the other hand, I think what is a life without goals.

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.

So for 2011, I guess I just want more peace and happiness? Doesn't everyone?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Return of Ulysses, Bread and Puppet Theatre

Bread and Puppet Theatre is in NYC!

The Return of Ulysses:

Black and white, dark and light, modern sky above me, antique sky below me.
I feel like I'm in a William Kentridge drawing.

What is left?

the price of war, the price of death.

Of human capital.

Absurdist farm animals grazing on ideas of anti-capitalism.


Metaphor over material.

Substance over object.


farmers rake dismembered body parts. hands no longer for the holding. faces only for the dying.


Brothers and Sisters and MotherFuckers

Which one are you?

On Wednesday night I attended Brothers and Sisters and MotherFuckers at PS122, an original piece created by Dynasty Handbag, AKA Jibz Cameron. After taking her persona class at NYU, and talking about family, persona types and trauma, I wanted to see the work she had put so much time into.

The show was ambitious-- Dynasty played all four characters in the show! The protagonist, the bratty younger sister, the miserly, overly talkative and concerned older sister, and the well intentioned, "good guy" brother. The three siblings were all performed via video, and Dynasty acted with them in real time, creating an interesting dynamic of real and recorded. Her timing was impeccable, I almost forgot we were watching videos at some point.

As stated in the show at the beginning, "This is a story that has been told a million times....". However, the irony and compelling characters make it worth watching and a perfect holiday show to remind you exactly why you don't want to go home this year. The show's insight into familial banter at the dinner table during the holidays is keen and witty.

I have so much respect for Ms. Handbag and her ability to pull off such an incredibly monstrous performance feat. You can definitely see how much work and tireless effort was put into the show.

I am left with trying to match my family to the characters....and who am I? I am an only child, so I'm not a brother or a sister....but am I.....?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Crave me together

Desire with no where to go, festering inside these organs that just sit here, doing nothing. Movement amongst the silence, taking upon the qualities of madness, for my lover, 3000 miles away, is fading from my physical memory. I am ready. Take me. But don't leave. I will fall apart.







fingertips upon writing me into poetry

gaze always follow from the male's eye

follow follow


Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Our bodies stayed silent, while our hands said everything.

Monday, June 14, 2010


I am asking for forgiveness. To clear the air. To get rid of this muddled, tainted feeling that is relentless. I have put myself out there, standing alone.

Will you meet me half way?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Hello New York

A new life, a new chapter. I have started school again. I am a student again. Broke and educated, beautiful and loving I hope this leads to something. We can all try our best and hope for the best and just work towards a goal.

I felt lonely the first couple of days. My life, my identity was stuck in L.A with everything I left. I miss my friends, my boyfriend, my family.

But I am going to define myself now....work on myself. I am going to travel to Mexico and study with Zapatistas (how rad is that?).

Finding myself in this crazy world and crazy city.....

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Flames of light

I was reminiscing this week about all of the people that have come into my life and then gone. Whether lovers or just friends, some people seem to be there for a certain period of your life, then vanishing as quickly as the wind that brought it there. After starting to get a bit melancholic over the situation, I then thought to myself that it seemed that everyone i was no longer with, had served its purpose during that time.

People are like little flames of light that come into your life. Some are just a spark, some are a long simmer, illuminating your world for a lifetime. But sometimes, with those ephemeral sparks, we want more and we try to create that spark again, but it is dead. The absence of light and heat is daunting, but there usually is a candle, standing sturdy in the background.

keeping the light alive and enjoying the sparks that have passed.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The title is everything, for which, in this, I have nothing

The presence of her is still here.
Our parents are not what we'd want them to be and the past is a constant reminder of the things we haven't done. The future mocks us with possibility, and we jump higher to catch the carrot.
Feed me, my love.
Package me and sell me, to the masses.
My soul covered in bubble wrap and sent to India.
You will find parts of me everywhere.
This is globalization.
Soon my thoughts will automatically be twittered into the universe.
there will be no use for these mouths, these bodies, except to suck the life out of each other, with a simple kiss, which will remind us of the simple things, the way they were before.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The leaves have changed their colors

and the seasons have changed. Change. Who would have thought my life, my little life would change so much. With a thought dropped into the ocean, a wish upon a star, the change hit me abrubtly. My life is on the move. NYC here I come. Scared and happy, trying to roll with the tide.

Please be wonderful in disguise.