Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Resolutions I will surely break

As the end of the year is approaching, many of us will have too much time on our hands (see holiday) and think about family, friends, loved ones and things that we want to improve about ourselves in the upcoming year.


I am no different. I had the (mis)fortune of not going home this year, but instead enjoying my first ever New York blizzard. My boyfriend came to me, and my parents will visit two weeks into the new year.

2010 was a year of big change for me. When I think about the past several years, I haven't had so much change since 2007. However, 2007 was a very shitty year, with mostly terrible things, but 2010 has been a mixed bag.

I worked and left my first "real job".
I moved across the country with two suitcases.
My obsessive, passionate romance turned long distance.
I started my Master's program.
I worked on some projects in Mexico and with collaborators, and pushed myself to DO things.

Sometimes I miss a lot about my old life. I miss the comfort at my old job, the feeling of family. I miss my friends who would meet me for margaritas after work, my friends to make films with, my friends to take photos with. The feeling of longing and nostalgia has never been so strong.

But I know I am creating more memories here. And this new life I am creating has pushed me into a new place. I am stronger. I trust myself more in some ways and don't understand myself in others. This year has not been without its challenges. All the "newness" can disorient you.

Suffice it to say, this year was a year of incredible growth. Of new beginnings. Of new ends.
In an attempt to remain trite, but not overly cheesy, here are some resolutions I am sure to break for 2011, and some desires thrown in their for good measure just so I can remember what I really want.

1. Stop fucking worrying about money- I seriously have issues in this area. My student loan debt is hella scary for sure, but it shouldn't ruin my life. Money should never be attached to emotions, it should just be something you need to get by.

2. Remember always that love and health is all you really need in life. All the rest is extra.

3. (ready for SUPER trite?) Go to the gym- I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to get a "hot bod". I want to get in shape. I miss swimming like I did in High school (god, that was ages ago). I also think this will help with me overall general malaise and worry problems.

4. Cool my temper. Most people wouldn't think I have a temper. Often, I don't. Sadly, for the people I love the most, sometimes I can be a real jerk. In short, I want to calm the fuck down.

5. Acceptance- maybe it is my slight OCD, but sometimes I have a hard time accepting things that I don't like. Whether it is the way I look, a grade I got on a paper, or something else unexpected, sometimes I just don't deal well. I need to let go more and hang on less.

Why worry about things you cannot control or change?

Some of my goals for 2011:
1) graduate with MA from NYU and have thesis not suck
2) get a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself and that can assist me in paying my loans and rent.
3) Travel more- if financially possible (most likely contingent on #2)
4) Continue artistic expression- poetry, videos, photos, performance. I feel I have pushed myself this year and want to continue the momentum and not just graduate and be done with it. I want the creative energy to continue to flow even if I am in school or not.
5) Practicar mi español,portugués, y francais
6) Continue to push myself. Stop worrying about making mistakes. Mistakes are learning opportunities.
7) Give back in some way- financially, emotionally or just volunteering some place.

After writing this, sometimes I feel like we make resolutions because we want what we think is the perfect life. We want the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect body-- all of these things based on irrational desire. On the other hand, I think what is a life without goals.

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.

So for 2011, I guess I just want more peace and happiness? Doesn't everyone?

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