Secret Survivors

Secret Survivors, a show with the Ping Chong Theatre company is about the secret lives and stories behind Child Sex Abuse survivors. The show is presented with 5 men and women who tell their stories onstage in an interconnected web of details recited from each of the individuals. The success of the show is that instead of focusing on trauma from an individual perspective, the story focuses on the collective trauma that arises from all people who have experienced CSA. The ensemble cast creatively tells all the stories of the survivors, with each person taking on different roles in parts of the stories- in this way, the retelling of the story allows them to be the victim and perpetrator, oscillating between points of power, reliving and retelling their stories in all angles. The stories are compelling and uncomfortable- tales of incest, or pedophile teachers, or friends that don’t know boudnaries. The show highlights the pervasiveness of CSA in an attempt to let the voices of the silenced victims be heard and to acknowledge the ubiquity of this problem. CSA is something most people are too ashamed to talk about, because the victims are most often led to believe it is their fault. Secret Survivors does a wonderful job at demonstrating the stories and complexity of CSA.

Phobophilia

I was lucky enough to go see 2boyz.tv at HERE arts center, for their show Phobophilia. I was even luckier to have worked with them over the summer in Chiapas, Mexico for the Art and Resistance course I took.

In the workshop over the summer, my mind went places that I hadn't felt in a long time. The 2 boyz took us and blind folded us-- put our hands on someone's shoulder in front of us, and made us walk the streets of Chiapas, for what seemed like an eternity. At first, my thoughts raced-- I was scared I was going to fall, I kept kicking the person in front of me and everything seemed so strange without being able to see. After maybe 15 minutes, I relinquished those thoughts and became free. The experiential evidence that I was able to walk blind folded, the trust we all felt holding on to each other and the intensified sounds and sensations were intoxicating. My mind seemed like a blank canvas, in which I could place anything or anyone. I felt unstoppable.

Without the forced imagery of vision, imagination took over.

When I read the synopsis of Phobophilia (the love of Fear) I knew it would be somewhat similar, but definitely not the same.

Entering the theatre, we were all asked to wait in the lobby. We were then escorted to the basement where ushers took our coats and jackets. At this point, I was already happy at the subversion of the audience-performer relationship. All of us were then blindfolded, and put our hands on the person in front of us. Except this time, we were all strangers. It felt weird. The feeling of fear, tripping, not knowing where I was going consumed me again. When I got to my seat, I felt relieved. I was also a bit sad, it didn't last longer, which made me think, do I love fear too?

Fear does have somewhat of an intoxicating, pressing, teasing feeling to it.

In the the theatre we see a male, his head covered in black cloth and his arms extended out, like that of Abu Ghraib. He is wearing plain clothes. He is visibly uncomfortable, wavering back and forth, the tension in his arms physically weighing him down.

I empathized with him as a performer. It looked uncomfortable and painful.

After everyone was seated a mirage of images and sound flooded the stage. Helicopters, screams, dogs, doors, lovemaking....one could never be quite sure, the cacophonous sound blending into unknown zones of discomfort.

Video images were projected onto a black box. The brilliant, adept and creative use of projection proved intensely watchable.

A voice questions in the background in French....the performer answers in French and English. It is reminiscent of the interrogation methods we know too well.

Phobophilia was definitely an experience not to be missed. An innovative, questioning look at ourselves and relationships with fear. A comment on the politics of modern day and the encapsulating fear we face in our daily lives.

Resolutions I will surely break

As the end of the year is approaching, many of us will have too much time on our hands (see holiday) and think about family, friends, loved ones and things that we want to improve about ourselves in the upcoming year.

Surprise.

I am no different. I had the (mis)fortune of not going home this year, but instead enjoying my first ever New York blizzard. My boyfriend came to me, and my parents will visit two weeks into the new year.

2010 was a year of big change for me. When I think about the past several years, I haven't had so much change since 2007. However, 2007 was a very shitty year, with mostly terrible things, but 2010 has been a mixed bag.

I worked and left my first "real job".

I moved across the country with two suitcases.

My obsessive, passionate romance turned long distance.

I started my Master's program.

I worked on some projects in Mexico and with collaborators, and pushed myself to DO things.

Sometimes I miss a lot about my old life. I miss the comfort at my old job, the feeling of family. I miss my friends who would meet me for margaritas after work, my friends to make films with, my friends to take photos with. The feeling of longing and nostalgia has never been so strong.

But I know I am creating more memories here. And this new life I am creating has pushed me into a new place. I am stronger. I trust myself more in some ways and don't understand myself in others. This year has not been without its challenges. All the "newness" can disorient you.

Suffice it to say, this year was a year of incredible growth. Of new beginnings. Of new ends.

In an attempt to remain trite, but not overly cheesy, here are some resolutions I am sure to break for 2011, and some desires thrown in their for good measure just so I can remember what I really want.

1. Stop fucking worrying about money- I seriously have issues in this area. My student loan debt is hella scary for sure, but it shouldn't ruin my life. Money should never be attached to emotions, it should just be something you need to get by.

2. Remember always that love and health is all you really need in life. All the rest is extra.

3. (ready for SUPER trite?) Go to the gym- I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to get a "hot bod". I want to get in shape. I miss swimming like I did in High school (god, that was ages ago). I also think this will help with me overall general malaise and worry problems.

4. Cool my temper. Most people wouldn't think I have a temper. Often, I don't. Sadly, for the people I love the most, sometimes I can be a real jerk. In short, I want to calm the fuck down.

5. Acceptance- maybe it is my slight OCD, but sometimes I have a hard time accepting things that I don't like. Whether it is the way I look, a grade I got on a paper, or something else unexpected, sometimes I just don't deal well. I need to let go more and hang on less.

Why worry about things you cannot control or change?

Some of my goals for 2011:

1) graduate with MA from NYU and have thesis not suck

2) get a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself and that can assist me in paying my loans and rent.

3) Travel more- if financially possible (most likely contingent on #2)

4) Continue artistic expression- poetry, videos, photos, performance. I feel I have pushed myself this year and want to continue the momentum and not just graduate and be done with it. I want the creative energy to continue to flow even if I am in school or not.

5) Practicar mi español,portugués, y francais

6) Continue to push myself. Stop worrying about making mistakes. Mistakes are learning opportunities.

7) Give back in some way- financially, emotionally or just volunteering some place.

After writing this, sometimes I feel like we make resolutions because we want what we think is the perfect life. We want the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect body-- all of these things based on irrational desire. On the other hand, I think what is a life without goals.

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.

So for 2011, I guess I just want more peace and happiness? Doesn't everyone?

Return of Ulysses, Bread and Puppet Theatre

Bread and Puppet Theatre is in NYC!

The Return of Ulysses:

Black and white, dark and light, modern sky above me, antique sky below me.

I feel like I'm in a William Kentridge drawing.

What is left?

the price of war, the price of death.

Of human capital.

Absurdist farm animals grazing on ideas of anti-capitalism.

Dissonance.

Metaphor over material.

Substance over object.

DESTINY, TIME, LOVE, HUMAN FRAGILITY.

farmers rake dismembered body parts. hands no longer for the holding. faces only for the dying.

Violence- BUSINESS AS USUAL.

Brothers and Sisters and MotherFuckers

Which one are you?

On Wednesday night I attended Brothers and Sisters and MotherFuckers at PS122, an original piece created by Dynasty Handbag, AKA Jibz Cameron. After taking her persona class at NYU, and talking about family, persona types and trauma, I wanted to see the work she had put so much time into.

The show was ambitious-- Dynasty played all four characters in the show! The protagonist, the bratty younger sister, the miserly, overly talkative and concerned older sister, and the well intentioned, "good guy" brother. The three siblings were all performed via video, and Dynasty acted with them in real time, creating an interesting dynamic of real and recorded. Her timing was impeccable, I almost forgot we were watching videos at some point.

As stated in the show at the beginning, "This is a story that has been told a million times....". However, the irony and compelling characters make it worth watching and a perfect holiday show to remind you exactly why you don't want to go home this year. The show's insight into familial banter at the dinner table during the holidays is keen and witty.

I have so much respect for Ms. Handbag and her ability to pull off such an incredibly monstrous performance feat. You can definitely see how much work and tireless effort was put into the show.

I am left with trying to match my family to the characters....and who am I? I am an only child, so I'm not a brother or a sister....but am I.....?

Crave me together

Desire with no where to go, festering inside these organs that just sit here, doing nothing. Movement amongst the silence, taking upon the qualities of madness, for my lover, 3000 miles away, is fading from my physical memory. I am ready. Take me. But don't leave. I will fall apart.

Creation

Temple

Love

sacrifice

joy

money

debt

doubling

dying

finding

exacting

cutting

looking

feeling

tension

hands

fingertips upon writing me into poetry

gaze always follow from the male's eye

follow follow

find

is

another

word

for

dis(cover)

me

Grasp

Our bodies stayed silent, while our hands said everything.